Personal Identity

For most of my adult life, I’ve had thoughts about my own personal identity. Much like a person of multiple races might identify as one race or the other, personal sexual identity is much more complicated than the binary descriptors we have to check off when we complete an application, fill out a census form or buy clothing.

There is a complicated mix of physical and psychological traits that make us who we are and individuals. Someone could appear to be the most masculine person you can imagine but that person might feel like a woman inside.

I often feel as though I get along with women as friends in many cases because I am sensitive and think like a woman. That has led some people, including multiple ex-girlfriends, to suggest that I might be gay. But, the problem with that theory is …. drum roll… I’m not attracting to men.

That leaves me feeling like there is an area where I am, in a way, more of a lesbian than a gay male. I am attracted to women and not necessarily any woman. I am really attracted to very feminine women who I would find very difficult to even imagine as a man. I think body hair is repulsive and am not attracted to very tall women.

I dated one women, I’ll call her a unicorn, that was a lot like me but on the opposite side of the spectrum. She was 100% woman. Long blonde hair, no body hair, soft voice, gentle eyes, smooth skin and many mannerisms common with women, but, at the same time, she had a tomboy side and loved slamming beers in dive bars, engaging in locker room talk and I could totally envision her arm wrestling someone. I lived with her for about six months, off-and-on, spending a lot of time together. I miss her terribly but, unfortunately, she said I didn’t make her feel the way she wanted to feel.

I think, from a sexual orientation standpoint, if a man is not sexually attracted to another man, he is not gay. He may enjoy hanging out with guys, and may even have other guys who are often attracted to him, but if he isn’t attracted to them – that is a deal breaker.

I think many women who may find it difficult to find a man may often encounter other women who are attracted to them and they, craving love, may enter into a relationship. For some reason, I feel as though there is less stigma when two women get together in a relationship then when two men do it. A common fantasy of men is to see two women making love but I don’t believe it is as common for women to fantasize about two men making love.

One issue I have is that because I get along with women and am nice to them, being a social person, that niceness often gets misinterpreted as being flirtatious or interested. When, in reality, I am just interested in having a conversion. When I try to interact with men in the same way, they sometimes interpret that as me being interest in them – which I am not.

I read and interesting bit of information once while pondering over some church material. The author said that homosexuality is an incorrect response to stimulus from the same sex. That, to me, sounds accurate but many people would argue with that. I can see that an attractive person might be approached from many people across the identity spectrum and may feel stimulated when they are engaged by that person. But I, personally, would never seek out a male for any kind of physical relationship. I have zero interest in that. I have had a few experiences in which the other person was very feminine and acted feminine and I found those experiences very confusing. My body was stimulated a bit but I am confident that it was more a response to the female characteristics of that person – not the male.

Similarly, being called “pretty” in the past or having some female-like mannerisms, I can imaging some men might be confused when they meet me.

Relationships stress me out. I’ve always found relationships with women difficult because I am always trying to figure out how I should act. I also get attached fairly quickly and I don’t think that is normal. I would love to be in a relationship but the relationships I’ve been in have been very negative. I don’t take criticism very well and feel women can be very negative, judgemental and may say things that are not nice.

Work in progress. More to come.